[9 years old / 4 years old] What we were missing when dealing with our older sister’s jealousy - ReaDelight (2024)

Last Sunday's district meeting was a time where we could once again feel the importance of a like-minded community. As I found a clue to resolving the conflict that had been building up for a long time, I felt like I was leaving counseling for the first time in a long time.

1. Conflict with my eldest son that was worsening

The conflict that has been intensifying recently is the 'quarrel caused by my sister's jealousy.' Usually, he doesn't show any interest, but when his younger sibling plays with it, he takes it away and says it's his, or if it's not his, he whines that he wants to do it, and as a result, one of them 'inevitably' ends up crying. For reference, the first child is 9 years old (second year of elementary school), and the second child is 2 years old (4 months old). Since the second child is not as obedient as the other, my wife and I are always busy mediating. Usually, when a toy is taken away, the second child cries out, “Give it back!”, but recently, even if he protests reasonably, saying, “I was playing with it first!”, it never works. In the end, they end up yelling at each other and get stopped, or in most cases, the older sister gets scolded.

But the real problem begins here. It would be nice if it ended with the first person being cautioned or scolded. This is because conflict increased while trying to resolve resentment.am. The main reason is that my younger brother took what was mine, or that my younger brother hit or pinched me first, but why am I the only one who gets scolded? Still, we can get past this point with some criticism. However, it was difficult to accept the direct attempt to resolve the injustice (revenge). It was obvious that he would be scolded if he bullied him outright, so he tried to get revenge, but when he got in the way or made people uncomfortable and pushed or waved his arms to tell his younger brother not to do it, he used this as an excuse to relieve his feelings. So, when we ask him why he did that, he gives the excuse that his younger brother did it first, and we who watched the process sigh in frustration. At this point, their voice naturally rises, but rather than admitting their mistake, they constantly talk back (loudly than we do) and end up saying, “Without a snarl!” It won't stop unless you scream will be. Last weekend, he even expressed that he wanted to kill his younger brother and ended up scolding him loudly.

At first, as the parent of the opposite sex, I was very careful not to instill fear. However, as he repeatedly witnessed her ignoring his wife, his attention gradually strengthened into scolding and scolding. What I accepted in order to develop the aggression I needed to go out into the world became the root of my trouble. Because of this, her wife often said that she should have caught her when she was young, and she reassured us that she would grow up well as we struggled, but the reality was never so easy. Still, the situation did not improve much, and my emotions continued to worsen before recovering. In a relationship with a child that had become a bondage, the only option left was to block out emotions. This is because I thought it would be better to give up than to get angry and get hurt after giving good advice. My honest feeling these days was, ‘I want you to live the way you want and grow up quickly so I can move out.’

2. What my wife and I were missing

The district meeting was held in this very state of mind. That day, we naturally moved on to this issue as a conflict situation reappeared during our daily conversation. When we explained the conflict pattern, everyone agreed and said it was difficult. Her mother (district head), who had children in the 4th and 5th grades, carefully reassured her that she would get better when she grew up. Of course, she had no choice but to wait, so she agreed, but when that time would come, just holding on was difficult and she sighed.

The question about whether the eldest son felt that he received less love was the most unfair part from our perspective. Because I was alone for a while, I received more time and love than my younger brother. Of course, I knew very well how great the pain it would be to have her love taken away by her younger brother after monopolizing it for a long time (Symptoms suffered by her eldest child before her younger brother was born: [56 months] A sister’s jealousy of her younger brother) I have been as careful as possible to avoid giving the impression of favoritism. But no matter what, I couldn't treat him the same way as a child who was 5 years older than me. When my second child got a little older, I wouldn't put him in a stroller, he would sleep alone, I wouldn't be able to hold him for a long time, I would get scolded if I did anything wrong, etc. I had no choice but to accept things that I felt were discriminatory because he was a baby, and there was no other way than to criticize him. 'Optimal frustration' is just two words and it really takes a huge amount of effort and time to realize it.It was.

Emotions were released The understanding that my wife and I are backing our child into a corner.It originated from. In other families, when the mother scolds the child, the father usually takes the role of comforting the child, but it suddenly occurred to us that both sides were scolding the child and there was no place to put one's mind. Of course, I don't think there are fixed gender roles in scolding, but I thought that the cycle of punishment and comfort would have been blocked and the sense of injustice would have been doubled. In addition, the district manager added that she herself has difficulty withstanding behavior that is not rationally understood or that causes harm (she has a personality like mine), but her husband's case was different. No matter how much it doesn't make sense, your child has a good reason, so you must trust him unconditionally.It is. I didn't understand it myself, but when I heard that her husband was accepting it with that kind of heart, I suddenly understood how reassuring her children must be, and I felt sorry for them.

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It is said that one day, the eldest child cried and protested to his mother, asking what he should do when he could not get his way. She says she is trying too. Is this concern really just the child’s? Maybe (we're not good at it either) It is natural to put into practice what you know.It was a precious time that made me feel like I had recovered for the first time in a long time and resolved to treat my child a little more warmly.

* Cover image: Sisters who get along well when they get along well